[Names changed for sake of privacy; and no - it's not one of those "so I have this friend" stories that is really about me. Although, the details made their way to my journal because my friend's story triggered my emotions and helped me see my actions with my husband more clearly.]
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"An observation I woke up with... as Julia was talking about leaving Matt last night, she talked a lot about what is fair to Matt, how she can't give him what he wants or what she deems is fair, how she's concerned Matt will minimize his true needs to keep the relationship going.
"What Julia never acknowledged, at least not to me, is what she wants or how her needs are or are not being met. As I see it, if Julia felt alive and vital and full of possibility when she is with Matt, she would not be considering an end to the relationship. Instead, her words spoke guilt and obligation.
"My guess is that her deeper truth is she is not 100% fulfilled in her relationship with Matt. What would happen if Julia were honest with Matt about what she wants or how her needs are not being met?
"By taking ownership of and communicating her true wants, only then is she being authentic and fair.
"We assume our loved ones cannot handle hearing our truths. Really, though, citing concern for the other's well-being makes things more comfortable for us. While there may be an element of genuine love in this behavior, there also is an avoidance of speaking your own truth for fear you will have to deal with someone you love suffering."
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Maybe you can apply this concept to your primary relationship, but also it may pertain to how you express yourself at work, in your communities, with your family, or with your friends.
Watch for moments when you are trying to make someone else's life happier or easier. Ask yourself what other intentions you might have with your actions. Ask yourself if there is something you want that you are not expressing fully.
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"An observation I woke up with... as Julia was talking about leaving Matt last night, she talked a lot about what is fair to Matt, how she can't give him what he wants or what she deems is fair, how she's concerned Matt will minimize his true needs to keep the relationship going.
"What Julia never acknowledged, at least not to me, is what she wants or how her needs are or are not being met. As I see it, if Julia felt alive and vital and full of possibility when she is with Matt, she would not be considering an end to the relationship. Instead, her words spoke guilt and obligation.
"My guess is that her deeper truth is she is not 100% fulfilled in her relationship with Matt. What would happen if Julia were honest with Matt about what she wants or how her needs are not being met?
"By taking ownership of and communicating her true wants, only then is she being authentic and fair.
"We assume our loved ones cannot handle hearing our truths. Really, though, citing concern for the other's well-being makes things more comfortable for us. While there may be an element of genuine love in this behavior, there also is an avoidance of speaking your own truth for fear you will have to deal with someone you love suffering."
***********************************************************
Maybe you can apply this concept to your primary relationship, but also it may pertain to how you express yourself at work, in your communities, with your family, or with your friends.
Watch for moments when you are trying to make someone else's life happier or easier. Ask yourself what other intentions you might have with your actions. Ask yourself if there is something you want that you are not expressing fully.
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